Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
