I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
