if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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