This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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