You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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