I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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