I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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