I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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