I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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