I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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