Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
