I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
