I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
