____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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