remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
