My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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