who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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