hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
