Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
