We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
