At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
