Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
