I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
