i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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