I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
