She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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