So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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