Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
