I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
