Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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