Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
