Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
