matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
