go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
