By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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