ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
