best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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