So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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