My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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