how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
