I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
