He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
