You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
