is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
