I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
