I met the friendliest cop last night
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ladies don't puke and tell
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
