This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
And then he peed in my hair
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