how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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