I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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