And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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