I will die if light touches me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
