Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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